I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
