You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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