I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
We had sex on a dog bed..
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
