when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
