you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
