I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
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