The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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