I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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