Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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