You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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