How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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