And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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