Soap is not a condiment
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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