I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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