Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
