i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
