if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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