Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
