If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
time to smoke my breakfast
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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