she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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