I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
