Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We are all done wearing pants today
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
