i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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