She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
