She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
