I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
