I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
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What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
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I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
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