i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
