I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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