Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
