Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
