I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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