you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
