I wish I could teleport
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
