I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
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We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
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It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.