"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection