My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year