you suck at this game today
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot