I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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