my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
