fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
