oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
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