I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW