I didn't shave. On purpose
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?