Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
