I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
