i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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