So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
