Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
we're making bets on your personal life
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
