Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Randomize
