Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
