If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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