it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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