So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
