Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
