Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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