I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
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Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
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doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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