Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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